The Silmarillion Awards–Vote for the Least Competent Henchman!

*tap tap* Is this thing on? Good.

Welcome back to the 2nd Annual Silmarillion Awards! Time to pick which lucky incompetent henchman is going to win one of those big shiny magical rocks that were fashioned before the advent of men. If you’re late to the party and have no idea what I’m talking about, check out the official description of the awards on Jenelle Schmidt’s blog and read the nominations post from last week.

To start off, congratulations to Grace T on her win of the Least Competent Henchman Giveaway! Grace will be receiving an ebook copy of Cry of the Sea by Donna Getzinger Driver, a signed paperback copy of The Beast of Talesend (by me 😊), and a custom notebook based on Beast’s cover design.

And now for our lucky Henchman candidates! There were many awesome nominations, but ultimately, only five are allowed to go on to the voting round. And here they are!

What? No, I don’t care which one of you goes first, just HURRY UP.Β *ahem* Sorry.

Presenting…

Fezzik from The Princess Bride! It really isn’t his fault that he’s the biggest and the strongest. You’d never know it to look at him, but this giant really is gentle. He never wanted to hurt anybody, and only learned to fight because his parents wanted him to learn to defend himself from unkind classmates. This henchman with a deep passion for rhyming is wholly unsuited to carry out nefarious deeds, his sense of being sporstmanlike is too strong. Nevertheless, he finds himself working for a villain out of necessity. Vizzinni might not be the most honorable employer, but he pays well and provides company…which is important, as Fezzik’s deepest fear is being left all alone.

You can go now, Fezzik. Yes. Yes, the door right over there. *crash* 😬 Ouch. Try ducking lower next time. Uh, could somebody please shift Fezzik’s unconscious body off the stage? Thanks.

Next up, give a warm welcome to…

Mr. Smee from Peter Pan! The non-conformist pirate, the man who stabs without offence, and one who, according to his late employer Captain James Hook, may quite possibly have good form without knowing it. Despite many admirable qualities, Smee ultimately proved a failure as a henchman due to insufferable geniality, a tendency to be liked by children, and late-onset maternal abandonment issues. Infinitely pathetic, Smee is, without a doubt, a worthy contender for this Silmaril.

What’s that? No, you can NOT win by stabbing the other nominees. No, not even if you do it politely. Give me that knife. GIVE IT. Thank you.

Next…

Drawlight from Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell!Β This consummate fop and lickspittle is an expert at social networking. Not in the 21st-century sense, of course. He’s particularly good at sucking up to influential men via flattery and the shrewd use of gossip. Drawlight could be described as a professional henchman, one who actively seeks every opportunity to make himself indispensable to powerful magicians. His failure as a minion was certainly not for lack of trying–though wiser management of his money might possibly have prevented his downfall.

No, I’m not a magician myself. No, I’m not hiring henchmen at the moment. No, I won’t lend you money. Get out of here.Β 

Moving on to…

Antorell from Dealing with Dragons!Β Antorell is not a very good wizard. Which wouldn’t be a problem, except for the fact that his father is the High Wizard. That’s kind of a lot of pressure. Especially since his father is always hatching nefarious schemes and expecting Antorell to help carry them to fruition. The problem is, Antorell is happy to be a villain, he’s just always messing up in some way… or getting melted, which is the ultimate embarrassment. It’s bad enough getting melted, but by a Princess with a bucket of soapy lemon water? Life just doesn’t get much more unfair than that!

Melted, huh? I really need to read your book. What? Of course you’re not going to get melted if you lose, don’t be ridiculous!

And finally…

Puzzle the Donkey from The Last Battle! He was the partner-in-crime to Shift the Ape, but he wants it made very clear that this was not his fault and that he is not clever. Puzzle possesses that quality which all the best villains look for in their henchmen–the willingness to let other, smarter people do their thinking for them. For a time, Puzzle successfully impersonated the Great Lion Aslan…primarily with the aid of a lion-skin costume and very poor lighting. This stint came to an abrupt end when he was rescued by the heroes–a definite no-no in villainous circles–putting Puzzle in the running for this Silmaril.

Wait, where’d he go? Excuse me a moment. Puzzle! Get out of the refrigerator! Hrrgh. No one told me I’d have to put these characters up in my house until after the awards ceremony…

And that about wraps it up for now! We did have one popular nominee who sadly had to be disqualified, given that he is a cinematic rather than a literary figure. My apologies to the many disappointed folks who voted for–

*brrring!*

*sigh* Hang on. I have to take this call. *beep* WHAT? … No, Kronk, the powers that be were very clear. You’re not eligible. … I already told you, I don’t CARE about the novelization! … Or the coloring books! Stop calling me! And don’t you DARE show up at the awards ceremony!Β *beep*

I do apologize.

Time to cast your vote, folks! Use the form below, and feel free to tell us who you picked and why in the comments!

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Comments (14)

  1. Pingback: 2017 Silmarillion Awards Voting - djedwardson.com

  2. Deborah O'Carroll July 10, 2017 at 9:12 am

    Oh my goodness, I’m grinning so hard!! XDDD This post was HILARIOUS! And perfectly suited to the characters. πŸ˜› Awesome henchmen shenanigans, Kyle! πŸ˜€ (Sorry you have to put up with them at your house. XD) Now who to choose… ACK, it’s going to be so hard to decide! :O

  3. Jenelle Schmidt July 10, 2017 at 9:35 am

    This absolutely made my day! What a wonderful post!!

    I went ahead and am putting my villains up in a hotel… there’s no way we have enough room for them and their schemes at our place!

    • Kyle July 10, 2017 at 9:44 am

      Thanks so much, Jenelle! Glad you enjoyed it! It was really fun to write. πŸ˜„

      That was a good call. Containing that much villainy in one house would be impossible. πŸ˜†πŸ˜‚

  4. Christine July 10, 2017 at 9:19 pm

    I’m rolling with laughter reading this. XDDD You may have to hire a cleaning crew after having that many incompetent henchmen in your house…

    Oh goodness, how AM I going to choose who to vote for? Drawlight is the only one I’m not familiar with. All the others are great! (Or awful? Depends on how we’re looking at it.) I’m leeeaning towards Smee but but but…I don’t knooow! Decisions are HARD.

    • Kyle July 10, 2017 at 9:23 pm

      Thanks! πŸ˜‚ And I can relate to your dilemma; this is a hard choice! I ultimately went with Puzzle because…donkeys. πŸ˜† So adorable. But I haven’t read Dealing With Dragons and Antorell sounds kinda awesome, so I was torn. πŸ˜…

  5. Sarah Taleweaver July 11, 2017 at 5:31 am

    This post is utterly and completely fabulous. Utterly. And completely. And I have no idea who I’m going to vote for now. xD

  6. Tracey Dyck July 12, 2017 at 12:02 pm

    This is too funny! I didn’t expect the Least Competent Henchman award to be so hilarious, but given the candidates… XD I pity you having to put up with them in your house for a week. I’d better hurry up and vote so you can have your life back!

  7. Abbey Stellingwerff July 13, 2017 at 6:35 pm

    Hahaha, this post was great! I’d give you a thumbs up, but all of my brain power is being used to decide which henchman I should vote for.

  8. Pingback: The Silmarillion Awards 2017: Least Competent Henchman Award Ceremony! – Kyle Robert Shultz

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