Good day. I am Malcolm Blackfire, Headmaster of Warrengate Academy of Advanced Magic, internationally-renowned archaeologist, and–most importantly–a dragon.
I suppose you're wondering why I've called you all here today. Just to set your minds at rest, it's not because I'm hungry.
I mean, I am hungry, but you needn't worry about that. Really.
I requested the honor of writing this post from Kyle Robert Shultz. He refused, whereupon I devoured him.
Ha ha! A wee bit of humor there. No, I had a suspicion that any damage inflicted upon Mr. Shultz's person might possibly inflict damage upon my universe, so I contented myself with politely but firmly persuading him to change his mind.
*Muffled shouts, as if spoken through fabric, are heard from somewhere nearby, as well as the sounds of a chair rocking back and forth on the floor.*
SILENCE! *ahem* Sorry, where was I? Ah, yes. Followers of this…er…what's it called? A “glogg?” Sounds like an orcish obscenity. Seriously, what sort of world is this?
Never mind. Regular readers of this thingummy will no doubt be aware of the Beaumont and Beasley books, tales of magic and mystery featuring me, as well as various other characters you needn't bother about because they, unlike me, are not me. Poor blighters.
These stories–particularly the ones featuring myself–have been described by all and sundry as very “quotable.” Lots of witty lines in there. So, Mr. Shultz–
SHUSH! –clever businessman that he is, thought it might be fun to put some of those lines on merchandise which he will then sell via something called “Zazzle.” I advised him to use something else, as “Za Zzul” are the first two syllables of the name of something you really don't want to summon into your living room, but he didn't listen to me. Oh well. If he gets eaten by some eldritch horror, he'd better not come crying to me.
These quotes will be used on things like shirts, notebooks, coasters, mouse pads (whatever those are), and mugs. One of these can be seen below, featuring a favorite quote from yours truly.
Now, what I–or rather, what Mr. Shultz needs from you is your favorite quotes from the Beaumont and Beasley books, so that he can compile a list to pick from while designing all these lovely treasures. You can submit them via the comments below, or via the Electronic Post at email@example.com, or with Social Mediums like Chirp-Chirp or Facemelt. I think I'm saying those right.
QUIET, YOU! Then, the best quotes will be selected via a competition of my own design. Each quote will be painted on the back of an ogre, and the ogres will then fight to the death in gladiatorial combat. The quotes on the backs of all surviving ogres will feature on the merchandise. A brilliant strategy, is it not?
And then you will be able to buy the merchandise and collect it into an enormous hoard, which you can then curl up on and use as a perch to shoot flame at anybody who tries to steal it from you. Trust me, it's heaven.
So go back through your Beaumont and Beasley books and start collecting quotes to submit! You can skip Book 1, of course, since it does not feature me.
Oh, all right, I suppose we'll allow submissions from that one. And don't forget that all three Beaumont and Beasley books are currently available in a single Electronic Book Volume for just twelve-pounds-thruppence, or, in your currency, $4.99. I think you'll save money if you buy it in this universe. Plus, it's half-price until the end of this month.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to get back to my own reality. After freeing Mr. Shultz, of course.
*MMMM-AAGH! I'M KILLING YOU OFF IN BOOK 4!!!*