Look, I don't care what the UPS regulations are, I'm not signing for these live great white sharks until you put them where they're supposed to be. They obviously belong down there, under the glass floor, where all the water is! Not up here on the stage with me! And hurry, I think those giant styrofoam cartons are starting to leak. The salt-water might make these decorative evil contraptions go haywire. We don't want that Laser of Doom going off…
*DZZZZZZT* *Wilhelm scream*
See? Now move the sharks!!
Oh, am I on? Whoops.
Aaaaand we're back with the 2018 Silmaril Awards! Welcome, all, to the Most Nefarious Villain Voting Round…OF DOOM!!!
Okay, that last part wasn't real; nobody is going to be doomed. So long as they stay away from that laser, at least.
As you can see…I mean, read…we are already gearing up for the big awards ceremony. No point in leaving it until the last minute! And you'll be happy to hear that I've hired a much better Head of Security for this year, who is already doing a marvelous job turning away potential gate-crashers.
It is no concern of mine that you weren't popular enough to get nominated! You really should have thought of that before you became a D-list villain. NEXT!
*ahem* Moving swiftly on…you came up with some wonderfully nefarious nominations for this award. So many, that I had to make an enormous Spreadsheet of Evil just to keep track of them. I was forced to delete it when I was done to prevent it from taking over my computer and launching a new Age of Ultron. I think I managed to fully destroy it, though.
I'VE GOT NO STRINGS…
Whew. Sorry about that. Anyway, only the top five villains could go on to the voting round…and here they are!
(I would recommend clapping, if you value your lives.)
First, we have…Queen Levana from the Lunar Chronicles! A powerful mind-controller with a heart of ice, Levana will stop at nothing to secure her rule over Luna and to extend her empire to Earth. Her preternatural glamour hides the secret of what set her on a dark and bloody path. No one is safe from her ambition and cruelty.
Yes, Your Majesty, just stand right there….and may I say, you are looking lovely today. Is that a new glamour? No, I'm not going to just hand over the award and skip the rest of the ceremonies. No, don't bother controlling my mind. I'm an author. I'm immune to that sort of thing. Stop it. Thank you.
Next up…Veed from The Tale of the Fallen! His most menacing quality isn't his supernatural power, it's his ruthless determination to win. He styles himself a hero in a land beset by an invasion of demons, but all he truly cares about is his dark agenda. He'll assure you he's on your side, but trust him at your peril.
Wow, man, I have to say…the folks on Goodreads LOATHE you. I've rarely encountered such visceral hatred for a villain. Care to comment on that? No? Anything at all to say? … Stop smiling at me like that. You're freaking me out.
Third…The Dragon (also known as Death-in-Life) from the Tales of Goldstone Wood series! A truly despicable creature who lives to spread corruption and sorrow. He rules the twisted and vile dragons of his realm, and creates more by burning away the humanity of his victims with poisonous magic. The Dragon will not rest until he has snuffed out all light with his darkness.
Just…stand back, okay? Way, wayyyy back. I imagine you'll take this as a compliment, but you are super, SUPER creepy. What's that? Uhhh, no thanks. Actually, I'd be fine with turning into a dragon…but your way of doing it sounds painful and gross, so I'm gonna say no.
Fourth…Lord Whitlock from the Beaumont and Beasley series! He's evil, and he loves it. Though heroism beckoned in his youth, he turned his back on it to pursue power and vengeance. His chief goal in life is to be feared, not just as a powerful enchanter, but as a true monster of legend. He's willing to sacrifice anyone to achieve this transformation, even his own daughter.
I most certainly will NOT give you the award just because you're one of my characters. Besides, after what you've done to some of my other characters, I've half a mind to kill you off for good. Don't you threaten me with your magic! I INVENTED your magic! One more word out of you, and I'll arrange for you to be eaten by Neverwolves.
Our fifth and final nominee is Captain Hook from Peter Pan! This iconic pirate is the embodiment of vengefulness and spite. He's determined to destroy Peter and his comrades over the loss of his hand to the crocodile…though he'd probably want to do it even if he didn't have a reason. The telltale tick of a clock may be his Achilles heel, but even so, he is not to be underestimated.
Oh, quit glaring at me, Hook. Just because I replaced you with a woman in my fictional universe is no reason to get huffy. That happens to fictional characters all the time these days. Grow up.
On to the voting! Enter your choice for Most Nefarious Villain, as well as your picks for our other categories, using the handy form below.
Here are links to the other voting posts, so you can hear more about the nominees in other categories:
Voting closes at midnight on September 14, so don't delay!
All right, nominees, our Head of Security will show you to your rooms. Just don't take any drinks from her. We don't want this to become the Most Nefarious Llama Award. (Though that could be fun.)
I certainly hope she keeps any uninvited guests from showing up this year…
*ominous distant thunder*